20-forty.comBecause love isn't always 20/20!
Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl-Part 2
When I read Part I of Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl, I had a lot of light bulb moments. There were many ‘aha’s’ and more tears. I saw myself in much of what I read and the men in my past in even more of it.
I recognized that I was indeed a Fallback Girl and, therefore, emotionally unavailable myself. I’ll be honest enough to tell you that it was a difficult, but life changing time for me.
I had spent time on my journey already making changes and taking time to fall in love with myself. I had been to counseling and realized the impact my past and my mom have had on my present. But it truly was not until I discovered NML’s Baggage Reclaim and began reading her book that I figured out just how much work there was still to do.
One of the things that I love about NML and her work is that she doesn’t pull any punches. She puts it all out there and doesn’t coddle and some of us need that tough love. I need that tough love. Maybe you need it too.
In Part 2 tough love is definitely on the menu. I got to meet myself, the Fallback Girl, in vivid detail. If I had any doubt before, the illusions were stripped away and left me without any doubt.
The Fallback Girl in All Her Glory
One of the things that you need to know first is that she’s as emotionally unavailable as Mr. Unavailable. It’s one of the reasons she attracts him. They are both commitment phobic and, though different things may drive them, they both have issues and baggage to overcome.
In the case of the Fallback Girl, she has low self-esteem and self worth. She probably believes herself not good enough or not deserving of love and relationship with a healthy man. Sound like anyone you know?
NML says this about the Fallback Girl:
There are three things that are driving everything that you do and they’re your low self-esteem, your trust, and your fears. Being with Mr. Unavailable and any man for that matter that helps to keep you in a cycle of negativity is about pursuing men and relationships that reflect the negative things that you believe about yourself.
Old beliefs of not being good enough, of not being lovable and worthy will trip you up every time. And, if you don’t deal with them, you’ll continue to attract EUMs and wonder why you just can’t meet a nice guy.
The Fallback Girl by Category
There are 5 categories of Fallback Girls. They are:
The Yo Yo Girl
Meet yours truly. When I was reading this section, I kept thinking “Whoa. This is me. This is me.” Sure enough, next thing I knew there was one of my quotes. Yep. This is me.
The Yo Yo Girl is the girl who keeps letting Mr. Unavailable pull her in and push her away on a regular basis. She attracts the Bad Penny and lets him leave and re-enter her life. He’ll go away for awhile and the turn up like the Bad Penny he is, and she lets him right back in.
The Other Woman
The OW is that Fallback Girl that is involved with assclowns who are cheating on their wives or girlfriends. She suffers immensely from Second Best Syndrome and knows that, someday, he really will leave his wife for her. Except that, of course, he never does.
She believes that she is not good enough to be number one in his life and may play second best in other areas of her life as well.
The Fixers and Healers
These include both The Renovator and Florence Nightengale. These are the Fallback Girls who are trying to turn a pig’s ear into silk. They attract men they aren’t really interested in and try to make him the perfect man.
This can mean anything from changing his hair and his style to trying to cure his addictions. Meet assclown #3. This obviously tells you that I also fit into the Fixers and Healers category. Of course, as we have seen, that didn’t quite work out for me, did it?
The Flogger
Ah, The Flogger. This is the girl who’s going to beat a dead horse until she finally gets what she wants. An engagement ring, him moving in, or a baby. Whatever means the relationship is moving to the next level. Except that it never does and she just keeps flogging away.
He’ll never give her what she wants and what she thinks she needs because he knows she’ll stick around regardless.
The Over-Giver
This Fallback Girl gives and gives and gives and is always disappointed that doesn’t receive in return. She believes in tit for tat and can’t understand why she is doing all of the giving and Mr. Unavailable is doing all of the receiving.
Over-Givers are the queen of the second guessers. They never just sit back and wait to see if someone will give to them. Their insecurities lead them to believe that the only way people will give to them is if they lead by example. They are sure that people won’t be around them if they don’t give, give, give. They are “yes” girls. You won’t find them telling him, or anyone else, “No.”
The Bottom Line
If you see yourself even a little bit in any of these girls, you have to stop now. Download Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and start figuring why you do what you do and how to clear old beliefs. You won’t attract a healthy, emotionally available man until you do. Period.
NML says:
Therefore, when you continually draw to yourself a certain type of relationship, when you notice a pattern in your life’s behaviour and when you repeatedly find yourself dealing with the same issues, you will know that the “trouble” lies within you…and not with the other person…When this discovery is made, it is then possible to have conscious relationships. Rather than reacting to what happens around you, it is possible to look within yourself and discover what part of you has been “feeding” the situation.
You have to get real. You have to get honest. You have to understand that even though the men in your life probably were Mr. Unavailables, you were the “only recurring character in each relationship.”
This book is supposed to give you many Epiphany Moments to connect with and help you have your Epiphany Relationship because there really is no escaping the truth of these relationships.
And it will do that if you give it half a chance. It will be the ammunition you need to become aware of your triggers and to begin to get healthy.
More to Come
In Part 3, NML discusses how to get healthy and how to spot red flags and move onto healthy relationships with emotionally available men. As this has already become a million miles long, look for more from Part 3 tomorrow.
There are also some things that NML discusses about communication and assumptions that are worth discussing in detail. Look for those next week.
Read our reviews of Part 1 and Part 3
Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl Part 1
Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl Part 3
Related posts:
- Reader Question: Can My Relationship With Mr. Unavailable Be Salvaged? A reader asks: I fell for Mr. Unavailable. Not...
- How to Keep Your Friendship Intact When Your Friend Meets a New Man I’ve written extenisvely in the past about managing your...
- When Relationships Become Too Much Work You hear it over and over….relationships take work. But...
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
NML August 4th, 2008, 6:43 am
Wow! Thank you for the brilliant review! I’m glad you really ‘get’ the message behind the book and you have no idea how much I appreciate this xxx
lisaq August 4th, 2008, 11:00 am
Oh sweetie I should be thanking you! Your book has made such an incredible difference in my life! I only hope this review will lead others to download it and that it will help them as much!
lisaqs last blog post..Very Young Men and the Older Woman