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Denial…Thy Name is Mr. Unavailable!
You just have to love people who are in such denial that they can’t see the forest for the trees don’t you? People who think they’re all that and a bag of chips and well…aren’t. People who think that the world revolves around them when well…it doesn’t. And, my personal favorite, people who think they are emotionally available and well…are so far away from it that it would take the world spinning off its axis to make it so.
NML, in Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, explains emotional unavailability like this:
When you experience someone who is emotionally unavailable it refers to their inability to access their emotions and their tendency to appear emotionally distant. This inability to connect effectively and healthily with themselves or others manifests itself in a variety of habits that perpetuate the unavailability by creating situations that allow them to remain unavailable. Emotionally unavailable people struggle with commitment. Whether they have to make the decision to put both feet into the relationship or take both feet out, emotionally unavailable people will struggle to do either one because they seem to exist in a limbo state that enables them to maintain the status quo.
NML knows her stuff. She told me once that if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a damn duck. And yet so many people who are emotionally unavailable see themselves as anything but a duck. In fact, they really believe they are ruler of the roost, king of jungle, lord of the manor.
There’s a very good reason for that actually. You see, if you are not emotionally connected to yourself, and they’re not, you simply cannot, or will not, see that unavailability. To see it, to admit it, would mean admitting that they are not all that and a bag of chips.
Then, they wouldn’t be able to function in their world as they know it because it would be too uncomfortable. They would have to admit that they need to make changes and change sucks. It’s hard. It’s uncomfortable and it requires complete and total honesty about who and what you are.
The real truth of the matter is that someone who is emotionally unavailable is totally opposite of what they show the world. The are commitment phobic and suffer from low self esteem.
Let’s look at these one by one.
The commitment phobe…
Commitment phobes are terrified of commitment at all costs. They are terrified of committing themselves to anything be it a relationship or to change. And don’t let them fool you. Many of them have been or are married or in relationships. One assclown actually told me once that he knew he wasn’t afraid of commitment because he had been married twice. So. I’ve been married 4 times. I was as commitment phobic as they come until I realized what my issues were and that I needed to make changes. In fact, being married 4 times probably helped me become commitment phobic. Marrieds who cheat? Completely unavailable and they’re married.
The self esteem lacker…
Those who have a low self esteem are often those people who completely over value themselves to the world. It’s kind of like bullies. Bullies bully because they don’t feel good about themselves. EUMs bully in relationships. They choose fallback girls so they can jerk them around and feel good about themselves. It, emotionally unavailability, strokes their egos. NML says, “These men actually think they’re a good catch!” They “use, dismiss, and fall back” on women to give themselves an ego boost.
Many EUMs will make noise about how they couldn’t possibly be emotionally unavailable. They are full of rationalizations and justifications. They may sometimes talk about changing, but talk is all it is. There is no walking the walk.
And yes, EUMs need fallback girls to operate. They couldn’t do it successfully and for as long as they have without them. They don’t function in isolation. But, of course, they’ll blame it on the women because well…there couldn’t possibly be anything wrong with them!
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Sidelined August 1st, 2008, 3:21 pm
What is so painful is eum’s come at you with such words & feelings that you think they are SO in touch with themselves more than anyone you have ever met. I have never met anyone that is so deceiving. It has been the most damaging thing I have ever went through. I will not blame myself & say I had no self esteem because the whole thing is very deceiving & I as a person do not lie for my own personal benefit. Should I have taken a hike with the “strangeness” when the words werent matching the actions? Probably but how do you just walk away from someone you are in love with when you dont understand the contradiction? What if you arent betting on potential & they have all of the qualities you look for but they just have an inflated ego?
lisaq August 2nd, 2008, 7:36 am
I think you have to be sure you’re not betting on potential and that they really are SO in touch with themselves Sidelined. EUMs rarely are. I have learned that, for me, when the words don’t match the actions it’s time to walk away. It’s not easy to do but, again for me, it has to be done.
lisaqs last blog post..What I Wish I Knew When I Was 20-Guest Post
NML August 4th, 2008, 6:41 am
Hi Sidelined. This sounds a bit odd. The fact that you acknowledge that they are deceiving and full of contradiction and then chalk it up to an inflated ego is betting on potential. In fact, the fact that you won’t see his actions as they and instead look to the inflated ego excuse as a justifcation and rationalisation, not only for his behaviour but for also why you will continue to emotionally invest is betting on potential. And although you may not perceive anything in your actions as enabling this situation, the fact that you still want to be around in spite of his behaviour and even make excuses for it, suggests that your self esteem can’t be that high. And does he have all of the qualities that you’re looking for, or is it a case of ignoring the reality of his behaviour and seeing gold where there is copper?
lisaq August 4th, 2008, 11:03 am
Thanks for chiming in NML. I so appreciate you stopping by to give Sidelined your take on the situation!
lisaqs last blog post..Very Young Men and the Older Woman
Brad K. August 4th, 2008, 5:57 pm
LisaQ, Good post!
You state “Then, they wouldn’t be able to function in their world as they know it because it would be too uncomfortable.” There may be another reason.
They don’t know any better.
I don’t claim these guys aren’t responsible for the injuries they cause, for the dreams they shatter, for the pain they cause to those around them. They should be aware of the destruction and harm they cause, they should recognize what they are doing, and stop. But.
We don’t berate a color blind person for not telling green socks from red. They are physically unable to discern the difference (unless their SO sews labels inside each, which I have seen).
An EUM is living in a different emotional space than well adjusted people interested in a family or other long term relationship. Many EUM’s are what I call professional daters. Many are extremely experienced and talented at attracting bed companions, but their reason for hooking up is shallow – they want the excitement of a new bed mate. They aren’t looking for someone to build a life with. The want a ‘good date’.
Many EUM’s will be expert at figuring out what you want to hear, and convincing you that they are the right companion (for now). They don’t know anything more emotionally involved, they can’t see, don’t dream, can’t envision anything more meaningful than a life of a succession of ‘good dates’.
Many women (and non-EUM men) would rather have a ‘home with a family’ kind of security and emotional haven. That takes a ‘good’ man. Instead of easy words, provocative dress, slick moves, and hanging out at the right bar (the EUM), a good man will usually be living a life. His main characteristics will be honor, discipline, honesty, compassion, good with kids and small children (that is, the kids and small animals are better for having had time with him – this is *not* the same as ‘he didn’t blow up when the kids were around’). Doesn’t sound much like an exciting (ie, edge of danger) date, does it? Women that choose a good man seldom have much exciting to say about him. But the ones that I know smile more, for having a dependable life-mate.
Don’t pity an EUM. Like a drunk, they are dangerous to be around, and doing anything but confront them only enables continued bad behavior. (Confronting is never welcome, usually gets a bitter response, and almost never helps anyone. Sound familiar?)
With all the ’sex sells’ ads and fashion and TV and novels and whatnot, it is no wonder that women think they want the ’sexy’ guy. But the sexy guy is usually an EUM, with an eye on ‘good dates’. Don’t blame an EUM for his lack of understanding, for his inability to participate in a relationship, his deceit. His ‘be a man’ thingamabob was lamed. Like color blindness, cures are only fantasy.
Brad K.s last blog post..About her ex, “I was nothing but good to this man”
lisaq August 4th, 2008, 6:11 pm
Ugh! Sounds very familiar sadly! You are so on target BradK! So on target! In fact, reading your comment brought back vivid pictures of EUMs I’d rather forget.
I so appreciate your detailing the good guy…the emotionally available guy. The guy that we really all want in our lives. I think sometimes we focus so much on the EUM that we forget what that guy is about when he’s the one we should be looking for. I’d rather be that girl walking around with a smile than any other girl in the world!
lisaqs last blog post..Very Young Men and the Older Woman