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What Drives Some Women to Date Exclusively Out of Their Race?
Recently, I’ve taken a little foray into the world of interracial dating, and I have given a lot of thought to the topic. Tall, dark & incredibly beautiful (TDIB), a very handsome black man I went out with recently and hope to see again soon, asked me if I had dated a black man before. After explaining that I have gone out with a black man before but not dated one, we entered into a conversation discussing how, for us, it’s about the person and not skin color. As I explained to him, I’m just trying to find the man that ‘fits.’ The color of his skin is incidental.
But there are some black men who date white women exclusively and, conversely, white women who date black men exclusively. So what drives women who have not dated a black man to do so…especially exclusively. To give you an idea of the prevalence of interracial dating in the US, here are some interesting stats that I found clicking around the web. 40% of Americans have dated outside their race.
While that is almost half, I was somewhat surprised that the number isn’t higher. I also found some interesting stats on black men dating white women in particular. Apparently, black men are two and a half times more likely to marry a white woman than a black woman is to marry a white man. Even more interesting, and coincidentally disputed, is that 70% of black/white relationships are black men and white women.
This is really a more complicated question than it first seems at face value. It is also one that has more than one answer depending on how you look at it. Now, I don’t pretend to have all the answers. Hell, maybe I don’t have any of them. My perspective here is not necessarily based on experience in interracial dating. Rather it is based on my experience with people and with dating and dating preferences.
To begin with, I really think you have to look at dating preferences in general because, really, we all have them whether we choose to admit it or not. Anyone who denies that they do will either date anyone with a pulse which really is so not attractive or has no idea what they are looking for in a partner. Neither of these say relationship potential to me!
Some white women prefer to date and are attracted to black men. Some people are only attracted to and date within their race. I am attracted to and prefer to date younger men. And really that’s what it boils down to…what attracts you. Some men are attracted to big hooters, some women to a nice ass. I know a woman who is attracted to humor, another who gets lost in a man’s eyes. Sometimes attraction is more general; other times more specific. For example, my attraction is to not only to younger men, but taller, athletic younger men.
The question is two-fold. First, what prompts that attraction and then what makes it something that becomes your norm. Based on my personal experience with dating preferences, I believe that a great deal of the attraction process is based on environmental factors.
For example, my attraction to younger men came about for two reasons. My ex-husband was older and seemed to become more and more so with every passing day toward the end of our marriage. He became more cynical, more sour, and meaner. In my mind, because he also seemed to age exponentially physically, I connected his attitude with his age. Secondly, after the divorce, it was younger men who seemed to be attracted to me.
Though surprised at first, I thought, “What the hell? Why not give it a shot?” In time, it became my norm. If it had been younger, black men showing the lion’s share of the interest, who knows where my preferences might have gone?
For example, someone recently told me the story of a woman he knows who put on weight during her marriage. After her divorce, though comfortable with herself, she soon realized that the male attention she was getting came from black men rather than white men. As a result, she now exclusively dates black men. Pretty simple really.
But what about those women who do a 180 in their dating preferences and begin dating black men when everything in their value system and background would lead you to believe they would never date one? Maybe a girl who was raised in an extremely racist family or one who grew up in the Deep South where interracial dating has been frowned upon for years or even one who was raised in the conservative Midwest where interracial dating is just not something you see every day. How does that girl end up dating black men?
I think this really has something to do with psychology and human nature. It is, in some, a rebellion of sorts and, in others, a forbidden fruit kind of thing. For still others, it may be a ’shock value’ or attention getting thing.
Consider the girl who grew up in the Deep South. There’s a good chance that girl’s family, at the least, has racist tendencies. If, growing up, she felt controlled in her life by her family and what was expected of her, she may feel the need to rebel against that control. What better way to do that than to date black men? This is the girl who isn’t afraid to introduce the black man in her life to her family. Rather she would be the one who is insistent on that introduction. Sort of an ‘in your face’ kind of thing. Like, “Here he is. What the hell are you going to do about it?”
Now, on the other hand, the girl who wants to date the black man but hide him from her family is probably operating from a forbidden fruit kind of perspective. I want him because I’m intrigued, but I don’t want anyone to know. Though she’s dying to try it, she also still needs her family and friend’s approval. She can’t take the risk that she’ll be ostracized for her choice. She may even thrive on the adrenaline rush of having what she’s not supposed to have.
For some women, I think it’s about shock value and attention. These are the girls who grew up not getting the attention they needed from the people close to them. As they grew up, they looked for ways to gain attention whether it was positive or negative. These are the girls who went Goth in high school or dyed their hair pink or maybe even became very sexually promiscuous.
Anything to get someone to notice they were alive especially if they weren’t getting attention for the positive things in their lives such as good grades or special talents they might have. While they may give up their black clothes and makeup after graduation, that need to be noticed is still there. What better way to do that than to bring a black man home to dinner?
So the question isn’t perhaps as simply answered as you might think. I think, rather, that we are all products of our environment. A child learns what they live. It is in how we react to that environment that determines where we go…in dating and in life. Sometimes it’s as simple as what you prefer; other times it’s much more complicated.
I do think it’s important to add that dating preferences, especially exclusive ones, can really limit your prospects. I mentioned TDIB earlier and my preference for dating younger men. Though tall and athletic, TDIB is not younger and that’s very okay with me. Exclusively dating one category of people or another would have meant that I might not have met him, and I’m very happy that I did. As I told him, limiting yourself can very easily lead you to missing out on something wonderful.
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Cynthiao July 23rd, 2008, 9:48 am
I am married to a beautiful black man. I didn’t intentionally look for someone outside of my race or for someone that is the complete opposite of me in appearance. I have never been attracted to any guy, though, that would be considered pale or even a blonde (some of my charecteristics). I have dated men of all shades and races, but I have to admit, I love all that dark chocolate skin ;p I appreciate the way you have looked at different aspects of multiracial dating and attraction because it truly is “to each their own”.
lisaq July 23rd, 2008, 10:05 am
Thank you Cynthiao! You’re spot on! It truly is a to each their own kind of thing. Whatever, or rather whoever, you’re attracted to is very simply just that. It’s all about finding the person who ‘fits’ regardless of age, skin color, or whatever else.
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