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The First Mr. Unavailable in My Life
You may remember about 4 months ago, I did a review of Part 1 NML’s Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. You can read it here. Well, NML has now released the complete book including Parts 2 & 3 available for download here. Look for a review of the entire book next week.
Anyway, I’ve begun reading Part 2 and was reading how our relationships with our parents affect our relationships with men. And, I realized I’ve never stopped to think about how my relationship with my dad has affected my relationships.
I’ve talked a lot about my relationship with my mom. I’ve thought a lot about my relationship with my mom, but I never even considered my relationship with my dad.
When talking to Kira about this, her own dad abandoned her when she was a year old, she said, “Yeah, but you have a great relationship with Papa.” Yes, I do, but the truth is that I didn’t always. Up until I was 17 there wasn’t much of a relationship at all.
In fact, my memories of my dad growing up were of him sitting in his recliner reading a newspaper while the rest of the world went on around him. My mom was obviously in charge and he was just…well, there. He held himself back from us and let my mom deal with everything. The only time he really became involved was when she would say, “Aren’t you going to do something about her?” Ugh…
When I was 17, things changed. I was a Senior in high school and it seemed everyone I knew was allowed to go and do without much restriction. Everyone except me. I had a midnight curfew and felt very stifled. After all, I was going to graduate high school in a few months and head off to college soon after that. Why should I still have a curfew? Silly, I thought, and totally unreasonable.
So, I planned a little rebellion. I would run away. Not so they couldn’t find me. I’d tell them where I was. But I wouldn’t come home until they agreed to lift the curfew. I packed some things and left them a note telling them I was at my best friend’s house and that I wasn’t coming home until things changed.
Off I went to my girl Carol’s house. Sure enough, later in the evening, they tracked me down. My dad was completely devastated. I’d never seen him so upset and I don’t mean angry. He was hurt and sad. It turns out that he had never parented because he didn’t feel he knew how. His own dad had died when he was 13 and he felt ill equipped. Rather than try and fail, he just didn’t try.
Our relationship changed that day. My dad & I became very close as a result and still are. He is my hero, my protector, my daddy. The dad every girl wants. My 11 year old nephew was teasing me the other day because I was talking about my dad and kept calling him daddy. How old are you? Forty five but he’s still my daddy.
Thing is he wasn’t my daddy when I was growing up. He was unavailable. He was dad…the guy in the recliner reading the newspaper. In the days when I was figuring out relationships and how they were supposed to go, things were different.
It taught me that men were emotionally unavailable and that’s what I sought out in later years. And, the truth of the matter is, beyond that I don’t have it all figured out yet. It’s something very new that I realize I have to examine.
No, I’m not looking for an excuse. I’m looking for old beliefs that need healed and cleared so that I can get on with things. You can’t fix what you don’t know is broken.
Thoughts?
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