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Mixed Messages or Scrambled Signals?
Communication is almost always given as one of the most important things in a relationship. But what about in dating? It seems that every woman I have talked to lately has been exasperated by what she perceives as mixed messages from potential dating partners. But is it really that the men are giving mixed messages or is that, as receivers, we scramble the signals as they come in?
Kira has been talking to a new guy the past few weeks. They met online and were texting and/or talking on the phone pretty much daily. She was enjoying their conversations immensely even to the point of a 7 hour marathon phone conversation one night. She said he was funny and easy to talk to, and there was a pretty even distribution of give and take when it came to initiating conversation.
Right up until they actually met. The first date was about a week and a half ago. They went to a movie and then spent 3 hours talking in the rain. A pretty major indication of how much she likes him considering she hates getting wet. Post date she was excited and hopeful.
Next day, however, the dynamics seemed to change. Texts and phone conversations slowed to a crawl and, when they did occur, he seemed to have pulled back. He was short, almost to the point of crankiness, and distant. After a few days of this and of wondering if she had misinterpreted how well the date went, she finally asked him if something was up.
He said that everything was cool and wondered why she asked. She replied that she felt as if there was a different dynamic at play and wanted to make sure that she hadn’t said or done something that put him off. He said that she hadn’t and, yet, there still seemed to be a difference both in their conversations and his manner. She didn’t hear from him for several days and then, out of nowhere, he starts texting again like he did in the beginning. Last I talked to her, she was still confused and trying to figure it out.
This is a pretty typical scenario for women I talk to who are dating, and I have to wonder why we can’t just mean what we say and say what we mean? Or is that even the problem? It happens so often that you almost have to wonder if the break down is in the receiving. Is there something that we are missing or misreading?
One of the best pieces of dating advice I ever heard came from Randy Pausch who said that the dating advice he would leave for his baby daughter is not to listen to a man’s words. Rather he would tell her to pay attention to their actions. It’s not what they say, it’s what they do.
And it makes a lot of sense. Unless we are scrambling the incoming signals which has definitely happened to me in the past. So how the hell do we know?
Thoughts?
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