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The Journey Begins…Again…
It was a little more than a year ago that I came home from work, turned on Oprah and heard her say that I could have anything I wanted simply by asking for it. That was the first I’d heard of “The Secret” and the law of attraction, but it was enough for me to realize that my life was an ungodly mess and that I was responsible for that mess. As such, it was also my responsibility to clean up the mess.
Today is the 1st birthday of 40s Singleness, a blog borne as a direct result on March 22, 2007. Oddly enough, it was borne not as a part of the “cleaning up the mess” process though, it seems, that is what is has evolved into. It was designed to share experiences and to give women dating in their 40s someone to relate to. It was, I suppose, designed to help other women clean up their messes.
Just when that purpose evolved, I really have no idea. What I do know is that it has indeed evolved. As I have blogged and read blogs, I have discovered so many dating bloggers, men and women alike, who share their knowledge and their experiences every day. I have learned so much about myself and my “mess” through reading their blogs and writing my own. And for that, I owe all of you a bigger thank you than I have words for.
Yes, I have grown 47 million yards, but I realized recently (thanks NML…no, really, thanks) was that I have about 47 million more to go. And maybe today, on the 1st birthday of 40s Singleness, is where the first yard begins.
You see, though I have disclosed many things here, I have certainly not disclosed everything. And, it seems to me, in order to begin the journey to dealing with and clearing old beliefs that are keeping me from finding a healthy, committed relationship that it something I really must do. After all, how can I deal with them and clear them if I don’t acknowledge them.
The Root of It All
The root of my “mess” begins where most do…in my childhood. I was raised by a narcissist. Her feelings and needs were the only ones that mattered in our household.
As NML says in “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl:
We look to our families to provide a steady, basic, love and emotional connection that you can always turn to. If this has been absent, then it is not unnatural to feel emotionally muddled.
I learned at a young age that my needs were unimportant, that my problems were my own and that I would have to look elsewhere to have my needs met. That manifested in some pretty scary behavior when I became a teenager.
I entered into a pattern of trying to get my needs met in men. You see, even a moment’s attention is attention. For that moment I felt wanted, loved and important. When the moment ended, whether it was indeed a moment or whether it was a year, I reacted by immediately finding another man to try to get those needs met.
That pattern followed me into adulthood. When a relationship ended, I reverted by finding another man or a series of men to fill the void, to validate my importance. I became that teenager all over again.
The Marriages
I’ve often said that I have been married more times than I like to admit. I’ve never said how many times that was, and I realize that my marriage track record is at the very root of my being unable to find a healthy relationship.
I’ve always said that if you can’t look in the mirror and love what you see, no one else will see it either. And while I do for the most part, there is a shadow hovering over that reflection. I am both embarrassed by and ashamed of my marriages/divorces. I am afraid of being judged for them. And when I look in the mirror, what I see is someone who has failed at marriage 4 times. Sitting here at this moment with tears streaming down my face, I only now realize the full impact of the beliefs I am carrying around as a result.
I married men who perpetuated what my mom started. They were controlling and emotionally unavailable and the last one was a narcissist as well. Each time I reeled from the realization and then continued on to find another man to continue the legacy. I allowed no time for healing, no time for self examination. I simply moved on to the next horrific relationship.
The Men
After the last divorce 4 years ago, I began a series of relationships with unavailable men. First, there was the soldier who completely treated me like crap for a year. Then there was T, the ex b/f, followed by China and The Math Teacher.
And, as much as I thought I had grown and cleared those old beliefs of being unworthy, undeserving, and unimportant, it’s obvious from the very recent episode with The Math Teacher, that I still have work to do. He, perhaps, was the most unavailable at all and I didn’t even see it.
Me…It’s My Mess
So it seems I still have a long way to go…about 47 million yards give or take. And though I have talked about my mom and the men in my past, make no mistake that I am solely responsible for this mess of mine. I alone have reacted to my mom’s narcissism and I alone have attracted the unavailable men. Thus, it is up to me to clean it up.
I intend to do exactly that. And so, I ask your patience as I begin to muddle through the process. The writing that I have been doing may be disjointed and rambling and yet, at times, it may seem redundant. If today is any indication at all, it will be long.
It is, however, completely necessary as it is the only way I know to begin to clear the beliefs that hold me back. It has to be done as I refuse to commit myself to one more relationship with an emotionally unavailable man or a lifetime alone. One way or another I will beat the beast and come out whole and healthy. I hope you’ll stay along for the ride.
Begin the journey here…
Assclowns & Douchebags-#1
Assclowns & Douchebags-#2
Assclowns & Douchebags-#3
Assclowns & Douchebags-#4
Assclowns & Douchebags-The Wrap Up
Assclowns & Douchebags-The Return
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The Girl in the Mirror
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