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Maritally Challenged
I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’ve been married multiple times. I’m not necessarily proud of it, but I do acknowledge it. Recently, I read a discussion about whether or not someone who is in their 40s and has been married 3 or 4 times is a bad risk.
Most of the responses were in favor of understanding the circumstances, not judging, and focusing on the person today rather than the past. One response bothered me.
Serial rapist, serial murderer, serial dater, serial spouse. None of them is someone whom you want a relationship with. Regardless of reasons, someone with that many failed marriages raises big flags. Either they are incapable of making a wise decision in whom to marry, or they are a train wreck waiting to add you to their list of failures. Remember those vows were til death do you part. If you’re both still living, then somebody lied.
Are you kidding me? Now I’m being compared to a serial murderer or a serial rapist? Please!
It comes down to this. We all have different reasons for the choices we’ve made. In my case, it was a combination of being raised by a narcissist who left me looking for love and attention in all the wrong places and that marriage was the ultimate end to a dating relationship.
Because my needs were unimportant as a child, I looked for someone who would focus on me and give me that attention I craved. I believed that marriage was the answer because marriage is forever. Thus, I would finally have someone in my life who focused on me forever. Follow that logic? The problem was that, in my desperation, I didn’t realize that the men I was attracting, and marrying, were the male counterpart of my narcissistic mom. When the new wore off, so did the attention and I was left with the same nothing I had before.
However, once I realized what I was doing, I was able to break the pattern. I learned from my mistakes. I cleared the old beliefs and affirmed that I am worthy and deserving of love, that I am good enough, and (maybe most importantly) that I am important.
It’s important to pay attention to red flags, but it’s also important to realize that people make mistakes and that they learn from them.
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