20-forty.comBecause love isn’t always 20/20!
The IDEA of him
I came across this post from Dan & Jennifer via Blogrush. As I read it and watched the video, I was reminded of China. Yep, the man is still in my system and can’t seem to be shaken. In fact, I ran into him at the bar last weekend. It was fabulous to see him again and to have a chance to spend some time with him albeit in a crowded bar. Though I felt a change in our interaction (on my part) which I’ll get to in a minute, I have still spent the entire week since thinking about him and wondering if there’s a snowball’s chance in hell for us somewhere, somehow. Not that I’m obsessed with it like I was in the past. I’ve just wondered.
But Dan & Jennifer’s post hit a nerve. Obviously, he’s not a rock star, the member of an entourage, or even close to famous…at least not outside of Mapdot, KS. He’s very well known here and liked and respected by everyone. He’s very social and has literally never met a stranger. A part of me really envies that part of him and wishes I could be more like that. It’s not necessarily that I want the public adulation or recognition. It’s more that I would love to be more social and outgoing, able to approach and befriend people everywhere I go. That appeals to me. In some ways, it makes me think I am indeed attracted to the “idea” of him. Food for thought.
Now back to the change in the interaction. Prior to our “breakup” (for lack of a better term), I was in a state of desperation. I wanted so much for us to be together that I was clingy and spent all of my time trying to find ways to hold on to him. Crazy given the fact that I never really had him, but I thought there must be a way to make him want to be with me. Obviously, he sensed the desperation and that, combined with the clinginess, is what turned him off. And who the hell could blame him? I’d have felt the same way in his shoes.
So what has changed? Me. I’m what’s changed. I felt relaxed and not all desperate or clingy during our time together at the bar. A far cry from the last time we really interacted there. My whole attitude toward life, men and relationships has undergone and tremendous change. If things ever work out between us, if ever he decides he is interested in some kind of relationship, it will happen. If not, it won’t. I can’t force it, I can’t will it to happen and, more importantly, I don’t want to.
It’s a big deal for me as this desperation and clinginess has been present in every relationship I’ve been in since my divorce. To know that I have gotten past that and can simply enjoy whatever relationship does come my way is validation. It’s a huge step. Pat me on the back, kids. I done good!
Enjoy Dan and Jennifer’s video!
